Saturday, November 12, 2016

For Jelly

I wrote this today in memory of my friend and former co-worker Angelica Kenney, who lost her life a little over 24 hours ago in a car accident.  This is for you, Jelly.

The brightest star on Earth
Shines now in our night
One more piece of light
To soothe the darkness in our hearts
Born from losing you

But that's how it goes, huh?
The beautiful, the young, the kind,
The lovers of life,
They touch their beauty upon us
Before quitting this world
While the beat, the bitter,
The lost and the searchers remain
Trying to fathom why, why you?

Why did you have to go,
You whose love infected your smile,
Shone through your blue eyes
and softened our pain, telling us
Life is beautiful, so enjoy- LIVE!
You, our constant angel.

I thank you for the sun today-
Your gift to the mourning and broken,
The sky as bright, as lovely
As your smile.
We look upon it wondering,
How could it be?

But then slowly, the sky grew gray
With our pain, the air went cold
As your lips now, silent and serene,
and the world goes on
Seconds ticking away since
Your last warm breath-
Life keeps going but the cost was you,
Now you're just another star
Hidden behind the clouds
That reflect our loss, our tears.

Angelica, thank you
For the gift that was your life,
For the love you gave
and the days you made better
With a quick peek and a wave.
Thank you for touching our world
Uniting us with your friendship.
Without you, we may be lost
So please, keep bringing us your light-
Keep telling us you're still here
While we try not to cry.

Friday, March 25, 2016

The Electric Koolaid Magic Mushroom Test

(This will be part of the diary book)

Last Saturday, I let myself be kidnapped by my buddy Katie for a night of intellectual debauchery with her and her wife, Lisa.  What follows is an approximate account of the events that occurred, and my emotional state during that time.

We were already nicely stoned when we ate the magic mushrooms.  To allow for an easy transition, we watched some YouTube videos on their huge flatscreen TV.  I was amazed at how good the videos looked on it, half the time I had to remind myself that we were watching YouTube and not actual television.  Eventually we settled on a movie...they picked "Home" due to its colorful nature.  Roughly halfway through the movie, I started recognizing the changes.

Katie and Lisa had closed all the curtains in the apartment and turned off all the lights.  The TV became the only living entity in the place.  After the movie was over, we returned to YouTube to watch two seriously trippy videos.  Click the links below to watch them:

The first one should have been much longer, if not the entire length of the album.  I was in pure bliss.  It is what I imagine being dead is like, if you chose to remain on earth as a spirit.  The second one, however...eventually proved to be too much for me.

I felt myself becoming lost.  I had no clue what was going on.  I felt myself starting to pull out of my body.  Lisa was dancing in the dark behind us.  This was a night I had no control over...I was in a new place I'd never been before, albeit with friends that I trust, and I was trying something that I did not know what to expect from the results.  I got on Facebook and messaged the few people that could help me through what was happening.  My brain did an okay enough job keeping me from flying off the deep end, but I needed some support and I was afraid to speak.  I didn't want to worry Katie or Lisa.

We barely spoke once the videos reached their momentums.  The only words I could say were, "I hate you guys so much."  Of course, it was meant with love.

I was barely keeping myself on the ground.  After we ended the second video, we put on the first two episodes of Futurama.  Those were a punch to the stomach.  Partway through, I had to step out onto the balcony for a cigarette.  By this time, Katie had gone to bed.

The sensations from watching Futurama did not stop when I went outside.  If anything, it made it worse.  I stared out onto the highway at the neverending string of traffic, headlights flashing back and forth, everyone in such a desensitized hurry to get somewhere.  I kept thinking that the future foretold in 1999 was already here.

During the drive into Albany earlier that day, I scanned the faces of every driver on the road that I could see to try and find the one face that would destroy me to see again.  So many years and only recently have I been able to say with certainty that I have learned to live without someone, to feel my own person again, without feeling that there was a piece of me left embedded in him.  I was in fear the whole time, like my psyche suddenly turned to glass.  Once again, just a few hours later, I was feeling this way again.  Again, I felt my inner self trying to separate from my body, to float over the edge and into the air.  I fought against it.

There was a lone house sitting a short distance away from the apartment complex.  I could see inside their giant front window...a figure standing there, not moving.  The black figure seemed to be staring at me.  I stared back, and became aware of voices in my head.  I knew they weren't real, but they frightened me.  I was being told to jump.  I had flashes in my head of the story of my death hitting the news.

"Sara Kay, 35, of Toledo, OR was found in the early hours of the morning by tenants of an apartment complex in Albany.  She had apparently flung herself off the balcony of a 3rd story apartment, where she was going to stay the night with friends.  There appear to be no signs of foul play."

I couldn't take it anymore.  I backed away from the voices and went back inside.  They were silenced when I closed and locked the sliding door.

Going into my room, shutting the door to my own cell for the night.  I climbed up on top of that huge slab of heaven that was their roommate's bed...memory foam mattress and pillow, with a faux fur blanket and clean white sheets.  I had packed my phone charger, but was pleasantly surprised to see that their roommate had left theirs and it matched mine.  I brought out my notebook and pen, eager to write under the influence, but sadly I never did.  Instead I took to Facebook.

Fingers so close to typing...
Is this natural?
Is it real?
Or have I completely gone to living inside my head? 

Don't know if I am going through a breakdown or a breakthrough lol 

I was glued to my phone.  I stared at it with the truth of everything hitting me in the face.  Friends would message me back, either getting a kick out of my situation or not really giving the help I needed, eventually disappearing altogether.  Rick was nowhere to be found...called, texted and messaged him, nothing.  He had gone to bed early.  Then there was someone else I wanted to talk to, who was online, only I felt another great fear.  I did not want to intrude, or alienate him further from me once I revealed what influence I was under.  But the online icon was there, and it stayed there the entire time taunting me, but I did not write him.  I kept flashing back to memories of messaging my ex in times of need, how he was rarely around when I needed him...and now Rick was doing the same thing.  I was yelling silently at myself, "Why can't you see it?  He's right fucking there, and all I have to do is say hi!  But no, he's probably chatting with her.  He probably doesn't want to chat with me."

I felt like I was finally starting to come down a little, and borrowed Katie and Lisa's bubbler to smoke a bowl.  I had a small amount of good weed stashed away and wanted to use it this night.  Soon, my thoughts turned from desolation and frantic need to make something happen, to a slightly less unnerving depression.

I beat myself up inside, overflowing with a need for a love that I have dreamed about my entire life yet so far hasn't been fully realized.  Bits and pieces here and there, fleeting moments, years of trying to adapt into a more realistic sense of what love should be.  But I desire the ultimate passion, the pure connection that will make all of the struggles in my life become easier to conquer, the one whose eyes I could look into and see the entire world.  I spent years loving the wrong man or not entirely loving someone that could be or could have been right.  I know that inside of me is a fiery, fiesty, living woman...and it will take one helluva man to bring it all out in it's sheer glory.  The face of this man changes in my dreams here and there, but the passion is still the same.  The dynamic, however, changes depending on the man who represents my ideal lover at the time.  Presently, he stands tall and strong, near superhuman in many ways.  His eyes say more than he does and his hands are quick and sure.  Through his strength, I stand as if I am granite, and life seems to feel like an endless haze of finding more ways to make love to each other, beyond the sexual realm.

I wanted to stay awake longer, but my common sense was kicking in, and I knew I couldn't sleep in very late.  I knew they rose earlier than I typically do (I still sleep past noon on my days off), and I would likely be driven back home by the time I would normally awaken.  So I hoped for a pleasant sleep, set my phone down to charge and quickly fell asleep.  I don't remember any dreams, only a long period of peaceful blackness.  I only got around six hours of sleep, but it was the deepest sleep I've had in a very long time.  I envied their roommate his bed.  It took me 45 minutes to get up.  I wanted to spend the day in it, resting.

In the bathroom mirror, I looked like hell.  My skin was pale.  I appeared older and thinner.  Briefly I scanned my hair for grey or white, and found nothing.  The memory of the night before still weighed heavily on my shoulders.  I couldn't let this wear on my day.  I pushed it all out of my head and settled in the living room with the perfect cup of coffee (courtesy of Lisa and her French press, and the surprise fact that we use the same creamer).  A couple of hours later, I was all packed up, the bed sheets were changed, and we were sitting in the drive thru at Taco Bell grabbing a quite bite on the way out.

I don't believe I'll ever have a reason to try magic mushrooms again.  Inevitably, I will wind up alone in my thoughts and I will be eaten alive by them.  I don't want that to happen any more than it has to.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

if I could,
given the chance I would shine
a light from the skies to replicate
what I see in your eyes-

then bathe in the sunlight
and dream the
ungettable dream
that is

until woken up with a start
and again the loss is great

falling from my fingertips
as you slip away.

Monday, January 11, 2016

always I look
hoping to find
you around the corner,
each time I plan
to give a loving touch,
soft, sweet, simple.
instead it is a poke,
or a quick smack
along the arm
while you tease and joke
and we laugh together.
I want to give you
more chances to smile,
to feel adored and worthy,
never to feel hurt
or be used-
and feel safe with me.
To look into the eyes of Superman,
I burn myself to cinders
From the fire.
He stands strong, majestic.
I see he hides away
The tired, bloodshot eyes-
The loneliness inside
Cowering beneath steel.
With a kiss, I might take it away
For just a moment,
A small surprise from my heart
For his-
But he has the world on his shoulders.
He doesn't see me
Even though he has saved me.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The wind blows the fallen leaves into a frenzy.
I stand there silent, doubt and rain clouding my vision.

Where can I go?  Even the ghosts are getting wet.
They are chasing the cats who are out playing,
Frightening the doe and her two fawns off the road
Just before a car clumsily rounds the corner,
The driver is half drunk and staring at me as he passes-
Soon the sound of the engine fades into the storm.

A quick gust sends me a step or two forward,
As if pushing me to make a move
But my arms have gone up
and I am spinning
As a stray maple leaf flies and strikes my neck
With an icy caress.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

A Shawl Made of Snow

I am tunneling into the cavernous abyss
Largely built and hyped inside my head,
Falling and groping around the further I travel
Down, my fingers grazing remnants of joy
Mixing among fear and the stagnant air of the past.
It is difficult to breathe.

I search for faces, strain my ears for voices
Belonging to someone I love, for the sight
Of a body I've been craving

Down the rabbit hole I go
Thirsty, hungry, needing answers
and a quick turn towards the shadows
Which have never helped me before,
But still I return and regret.

I keep moving through.
I think I may have reached the inner works
Of the brain stem
When at last I see a glimmer of light,
A tiny flame that is burning.

I see that same flame in his eyes,
The one who sparked the journey
and sent me along wearing a shawl
Made of snow,
But I only felt the warmth and sureness
Of his hands, and ignored the cold.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Vision (Everything Else Disappears)

He is tall, broad shouldered.  Handsome.
A square, strong jaw-  seemingly cut from stone
That curves into satisfied smiles and open snarls.
Eyes that stare into me, a harsh probe that I welcome
But believing I see too much,
I look away.

Coming up from behind him, I had an apron in my hands.
Slinging it on him backwards, I whispered,
"Now it's a cape."
He turned, smiling.  "I guess I am Superman now."
He is right!  But there is work to do.
I'm nobody's Lois Lane.

He is so young.  I feel embarrassment in myself, the aging crone
Looking up at him in near worship, feeling every year between us.
Everything else disappears.
Why would he ever look my way?

Trying something new, I took a deep toke
Just before falling asleep.
This was no dream, but a vision
That knocked me out cold like a ball of ice.

I woke up, wrapped up in blankets that had been his arms,
His chest fading into my pillow.  Depression.
The fall sunlight shines through the crack in the curtain.
I remember everything in my head.
My eyes will recall it all the next time I see him,
But I must be silent, because he didn't see.

I don't want the awkward pauses.
I don't want this to fade and die like other dreams in my past.
I want a moment of clarity, a laughing moment
Melding into silence, where at last he sees
and in the corner away from everyone,
Everything else disappears.